Blog si Feminis

Kadang aku lelah menjadi diriku, dengan segudang idealisme yang kupunya, dengan sejumlah masa lalu yang telah membentukku menjadi seperti ini, dengan "jalan hidup" yang tak sadar telah kujalani dan mengubahku menjadi pribadi seperti yang kupunya sekarang ini.

But, of course we cannot turn back the time. Aku adalah aku yang sekarang ini, dengan segala kompleksitas pribadi yang kumiliki.

Dan seperti hari ini, saat ini, aku lelah menjadi diriku.

However, nothing I can do but go on being me; the feminist, the romantic, the rebellious, the cynical, the arrogant, the secular, the foolishy loyal lover and bla … bla … bla …

          Dedication of the Cook

                   Anna Wickham

                     (1884-1947)

If any ask why there’s no great She-Poet,

Let him come live with me, and he will know it:

If I’d indite an ode or mend a sonnet,

I must go choose a dish or tie a bonnet,

For she who serves in forced virginity

Since I am wedded will not leave me free;

And those new flowers my garden is so rich in

Must die for clammy odors of my kitchen.

We all know that one good impact of the second wave of women’s movement in 1960s is the “awakening” of women writers. Many literary works written by women writers in the previous decades and centuries have been dug out again and republished so that they can be read again by the following generation of readers. Some names ‘resurrected’ by this women’s movement, for example, are Charlotte Perkins Gilman, Kate Chopin, Anna Wickham, etc. Those names, then, accompanied some other women writers who have been long acknowledged before, such as Jane Austen, George Eliot, Emily Dickinson, etc.

As one proof that women critics are serious to boost women’s works is the publication of The Norton Anthology of Literature by Women by Sandra Gilbert and Susan Gubar as the company of The Norton Anthology of American Literature, The Norton Anthology of English Literature, and some other anthologies published by W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.

It is indeed undeniable that the impact of women’s movement is more and more women have career outside home, not just become the angel of the house, or the doll of the house. More and more women are economically independent. They can choose any profession they are attracted to do, and not just be a homemaker, doing household chores, ranging from cooking, sewing, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, until serving the husband. They have more time to do anything they like.

If this is related to the first stanza of Wickham’s poem above, it is understandable why in the past women couldn’t become a great poet, such as William Wordsworth from England, or Walt Whitman from America; couldn’t become a great dramatist such as William Shakespeare. In the past, most women were busy doing the “burden” given to their shoulder, such taking care of their children to prepare them as the good following generation to lead the country, cooking the best food coz the children needed good nutrition, taking care of their husband who were busy doing their business outside home. How could they have time to write good poems or plays or novels? We know that great women writers such as George Eliot, the Bronte’s sisters, and Emily Dickinson were never married during their lifetime.

In this twenty first century, where writing is no longer exclusively “occupied” by men, I am pretty sure that there will be more and more women writers born. In her A Room of One’s Own, Virginia Woolf stated that “Books continue each other.” There will be no more “mainstream” literature defined by men only. No more women need to use male pseudonym (just like George Eliot or the Bronte’s sisters) only to make their writings accepted by society.

For myself, thanks to blog technology that has made me a writer. J

Some weeks ago when substituting a friend to teach her class, I interviewed the students how many children their parents have. Two students attracted me coz they said that their parents have five children. In this era, after the success of family planning program, to have children more than three is considered a big family. The funny thing is one student said that the four children were boys and the youngest was a girl; while the other student was contradictory, the four children were girls, and the youngest was a boy.

Well, one proof of the success of family planning program in Indonesia, besides that people now have a big tendency to have only two and maximally three children in one family, regardless the sex, people do not really mind whether they only have daughters or sons. This is especially in Java island, the most populated island in

Indonesia

. J FYI, Javanese people do not use family name behind their name. Although, well in the case I wrote in the above paragraph, it is not really so. Jokingly, I talked to the students that their parents wouldn’t stop “producing” babies before they got the baby they wanted, a boy or a girl. J To some “old-fashioned” people, I assume that people still want to have children with the two sexes, male and female. J

However, I still remember some years ago, I interviewed a student who is from Batak, an ethnic group in

Indonesia

where the people use family names behind their names. To Batak people, having a baby boy is important, to continue the family name coz after getting married, a woman no longer uses her own family name from her father, but uses the family name from her husband. This absolutely creates a lot of gender-biased problems. For example, a woman is not treated well only coz she cannot give the husband a baby boy; or a man feels that he deserves to have another wife only to have a baby boy; a baby girl is not treated as well as a baby boy coz this baby girl later on cannot pass on the family name to the grandchildren.

I told this student that nowadays women could keep their family name when they want it after they get married. They do not always have to leave their family name behind and use the family name from their husbands instead. Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW) 16:1g stated that women have equal right with men to choose a family name, be it the family name they got from their parents (either the father or the mother), or from their husband.

This convention guarantees a family name will not disappear although a family doesn’t have a son. With this, a woman will not be forced to “produce” a lot of babies before she can “give” a baby son to her husband only to pass on the family name to his offspring.

NOTE:

Indonesia

is one of many countries that has ratified this convention. (Source: Rights of Women: A Guide to the Most Important United Nations Treaties on Women’s Human Rights, translated into Bahasa Indonesia in 2001 published by Yayasan Jurnal Perempuan).

This is from a friend’s blogsite at http://stroke.blog.co.uk one of my favorite blogs.

A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.

A love for tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril.

All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.

Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.

It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.

One ought never to turn one’s back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.

Personally I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

The price of greatness is responsibility.

The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning.

There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

Don’t talk to me about naval tradition. It’s nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
(attributed)

It is really undeniable that internet technology has a lot of impacts in our life. The world that used to seem very wide, now seems much smaller. We can hear what has just happened in the other side of the world from where we live by reading many latest news we can access via internet every second.

America

is no longer so far away there since we can communicate with our relatives, family members, or friends living there with cheap media and very quickly via emailing or chatting.

I remember in 1999 my then online boyfriend said to me how he thanked with this sophisticated technology coz we met “virtually” everyday without spending much money—he came to Indonesia, or I went to America. We could adjust each other more comfortably too. However, one thing I remember his complaint was that he often felt irritated when chatting with many Indonesian girls coz they talked about sex most of the time. He said, “I suppose it’s all coz in

Indonesia

, sex is considered taboo to talk about openly. When someone talks about sex, people will easily judge him/her as “bad person”. Parents do not talk about sex with their children coz it is taboo. Their children then do not know where to find out information about sex. What happens next? Those teenagers will come to, perhaps, irresponsible resource, probably blue movies, porn magazines, and, Internet. Without right guidance, those teenagers will even get wrong information about sex. Honestly, I often feel fed up when chatting with Indonesian girls and they ask me about sex. It is really boring. You see? Before this, I always thought that

Indonesia

is a country based on religious teachings—especially Islam coz I know that the majority of Indonesian people are Muslim. See? Those young female chatters will even give bad impression on

Indonesia

. bla bla bla …” I don’t remember what else he said.

After being away from chatting world for about three years, I went back to IRC in 2004 during my spare time when writing thesis. One thing shocked me. It seemed to me that some local channels became a place where people were looking for boys/girls for dates. Besides, there was a tendency to generalize all chatters to do the same thing, to look for short time dates, or one-night-stand dates. Consequently, the impression that cyber cafes are places to do filthy/immoral/indecent activities cannot be avoided. People then forget that there are INDEED many other advantages people can get via this so-called sophisticated technology. Chatting is not the only facility people can make use of when accessing internet. However, I can see that there is generalization for all cyber cafes customers—all are chatters looking for HOT DATES.

It’s all based on my own experience. In Yogya, the city where I pursued my Master’s Degree, I often went online in the café belonging to UGM. All customers were UGM students, of course. They went online, I believe, mostly was for their study, browsing data to help them do their assignments, though I am sure that many also had a chat. Nothing wrong with that. many reasons why people go chatting. My own reason at that time why I resumed chatting was I felt bored browsing data, reading them. Chatting was one fun activity for me.

After I went back to my hometown,

Semarang

, I resumed my habit, to go online at cyber cafes. Since November 2005, I have found a new “hobby”—blogging! This is my main reason why I often go online at cyber cafes, besides to check my mailboxes. I can spend hours to post articles in my blogs, to do some editing in the setting, or design, or configuration, to read my friends’ posts, write comments on their writings, etc. This is really exciting for me.

However, one thing bothered me. I just realized that some people I come across at the café look at me with “uninterpretable” look for me. The friendly parking man suddenly became so annoying to me when last Saturday he greeted me, “Go chatting mbak? No day without chatting for you, right? Do you need me to accompany you?” when I looked into his eyes, I saw an abusive look to me. Shit. Inside the café, there was one clerk looking at me with the same eyesight too, abusive. Shit. Shit.

It reminded me of my experience more than half a year ago when going on a bus, I read a book with not conspicuous title on the cover “Seksualitas”, a man sitting next to me gave me an abusive look too.

I don’t show any inviting body language. I don’t wear any invitingly “open” clothes. (FYI, mostly everywhere I go, I wear my long black dress, with black blazer, really covering my body.) What the hell made those guys gave me abusive look? Coz I was reading a book entitled “Seksualitas” without knowing what kinds of articles inside it? Coz I often go online in the cyber café and they consider me to look for HOT DATES without knowing what in fact I am doing inside?

I am wondering why we Indonesian people have disgraced ourselves by giving impression that internet is SOLELY related to filthy thing (read à sex)?

One thing I forgot to say, this abusive-look-thing didn’t happen to me during my stay in Yogya. Or was I too indifferent?

“Interpretasi hukum perkawinan yang timpang dalam UU perkawinan di Indonesia yang menyebutkan bahwa perempuan adalah ibu rumah tangga dan bukan pencari nafkah berimbas pada aturan ketenagakerjaan. Akibatnya perempuan dianggap hanya pencari nafkah tambahan, kerap menerima upah lebih rendah dari rekannya laki-laki dan tidak mendapat tunjangan.” (Jurnal Perempuan no 42 hal. 5)

(“Law of marriage in Indonesia states that women are housewife and not breadwinner. This results in the regulation of manpower matters where women are only considered as spare breadwinner, therefore they deserve to get paid lower than their fellow man workmates and not get the same fringe benefits.” Women Journal no 42 page 5)

This afternoon when discussing some questions about men’s and women’s jobs with my Intermediate 3 students, I found out how those teenagers have “ideal” world of equal pay for equal work. One question to be discussed was, “Do men get paid better than women?” None of them answered “yes” with almost similar reasons, “It depends on their skill, capability, experience, education.”

“That’s lovely, my dear students,” was my response. However, I want them to open their eyes that it is still utopia in many companies in

Indonesia

. What is the main reason? I think I can refer to my quotation above. Law of marriage in

Indonesia

still considers women only as homemakers, not supposed to be breadwinner. This law, then, is made use by many companies to feel deserved to give women lower salary than men coz “they are not supposed to be responsible with household necessities. Their husbands are.” How about for single women? single mothers? Or those wives whose husbands are unemployed? Or whose husbands are not responsible to provide their daily needs? Do those companies care for these women?

It is true that the reason for those women to work is money. To survive, people need money. When those women realize that they don’t get paid fairly (only coz of different sex), they cannot complain because if they complain, they will get fired. It is easy for the company to look for new employees due to the high rate of unemployment in

Indonesia

. Therefore, those women stay to work there, with unfair salary. Not much can be done so far for the betterment for women.

If those women are lucky to get fair amount of salary with their male counterpart, there is still one thing that will make women get lower amount. TAX! The regulation for paying salary tax determines that when a man is married, he will pay less tax. When he is married and has some children, he will even pay lesser tax. How about women? No matter whether a woman is married or not, having kid or not, this particular woman is still considered single. A married woman who has three children, let’s say, will pay tax as high as those single women!

Encouragingly, I talked to my female students, “Well, nowadays Non Government Organizations for women are still struggling to propose a fairer regulation in tax for women. Hopefully, later on when you graduate from college, you will be able to enjoy a more free gender-biased manpower matters so that you will not suffer from this unfairness.”

An email for that only hunk in my life (at present :D)

Honey,

Have you watched the movie entitled “Brokeback Mountain”? I just watched it this morning after my sister bought the DVD around Simpang Lima. Will you agree with me that Jake Gyllenhaal is very KEREN in that movie? (apart from the role he played as a gay cowboy. A cute and cool guy who happens to be a gay only makes girls broken hearted, do you agree with me? LOL) I don’t know whether I am suffering from I-SEE-YOU-IN-EVERYONE syndrome so that when watching it, I felt like I saw you in Jake. LOL.

Around two weeks ago, I saw someone look like you at the traffic light in front of Lippobank close to Unaki. When I talked to a workmate of mine about that, she said, “Don’t you think that we have tendency to see the one we love in another?” and I responded, “Yeah, I agree with you. Some months ago, I felt like I saw a guy look like my someone special coming out of a VCD rental close to my boarding house in Yogya. It made me write him an email telling him, “It reminded me of Survivor’s song entitled ‘I see you in everyone’.” LOL.

But, trust me, darling, I don’t mind suffering from I-SEE-YOU-IN-EVERYONE syndrome if that really exists. LOL. Anyway, I believe I have strong self-control over that syndrome that will hinder me from greeting anybody else who perhaps suddenly in my eyes looks like you (only coz I miss you), “Hello my darling. I am missing you very much. Can I kiss you?” LOL.

Miss ya, love ya, want ya, … … … …

Nana

Some days ago, I had a talk with a good friend. We really feel fed up with the “nosy” nature of Javanese culture, or probably Indonesian culture. To see single people, we tend to ask them, “So, when will you end your living single? It is really unhappy to live single, isn’t it?” INDEED, it is not easy to live single in a marriage-oriented society like in Indonesia. Like it or not, if you are still single, moreover if you are more than thirty years old, people will besiege you that question. It doesn’t matter whether in fact you yourself don’t feel bothered with that. Your living single doesn’t bother you. Those people with that question do, though. Right?
After at last you get married, the following question asked to you is, “So, when will the baby come to your life? Marriage is absolutely not perfect without having any kid.” When you have been married for some years and no kids yet, those people will look at you pitifully. This will make you feel that there is something wrong with your life. I must admit that many people, especially who are already married, want to have babies—either to continue their generation, or to make them considered “complete” by society, or many other reasons. And as we all know not all people are fortunate to be able to have babies. Don’t people in our society realize that the question “When will you have a baby?” asked to those ‘unfortunate’ people even will make them feel bothered and more miserable? Where is our empathy?
After you have one baby, the following question is, “So, when will he/she have a younger sibling? Having one baby only is not enough, of course. You will make your baby lonely later.” And I think such a question is not asked to show courtesy, but to some extent, I come to the conclusion that it is really annoying coz interfering our business. It is not easy to have a baby/kid. We need much money to raise one with good nutritious food, good clothes, and the most important thing is good education to prepare his/her future. It is not cheap, is it?
After having more than one baby, perhaps people are not nosy anymore.
My good friend and I, in fact, were suspicious why they stop being nosy? Perhaps they think, “Gotcha!!! Now you share similar problems with me! It is not easy to live with a spouse and children. We’ve got to work hard to make ends meet. We’ve got to take care of our children so that they will grow up as “good” kids so that we will be considered as “successful parents”. Welcome to the real world!”
Why don’t we just care our own business and let other people live in peace with their choice? People are free to choose to live single, and be happy with it. Or to live with their spouse without any kid, and be happy with it.
Mind your own matter.

Living in

Indonesia

with so many commercials on media about what women are supposed to do to attract men, how to be considered “true women”, it is practically difficult for women to get rid of themselves from those bombardments. No matter we often hear wise statement that inner beauty is more important than just physical things. But, how many women are confident to be different? How many women are confident to think that living single is okay? To think that having children is not the sole goal to get married? To think that having plump bodies are attractive too? To think that pursuing career and study as high as we can is fine? Why should we limit ourselves only coz women are already married so that we must give the first priority to pursue career and study only to men? Should we, as women, stay home and deal with only “cooking, washing, and serving in bed” after getting married?

I very seldom watch TV coz I always find a lot of commercials ridiculous. I really don’t have a heart to see women—my folks—only have roles as a homemaker, as a cook, or attract the opposite sex only with their “long, straight, shiny hair” (the typical of beautiful hair in Indonesia nowadays) or with “white and spotless complexion” or make their husbands love them coz those women “provide the best menu at home” or “save money coz using some certain products” (don’t forget those women get their money from their husbands! That’s why they deserve to be praised when they can save money.)

If I happen to sit before a television when having meals with my only daughter, I cannot stop commenting until she complained, “Mama, will you stop commenting?” My response was, “Oh honey, I just hope that you will not grow with those silly ideas planted on your mind by those ridiculous commercials that you will attract boys only with your hair or complexion. I’d prefer you to attract guys with your brain, with your good nature.”

Again, do I sound a judgmental person again, thinking that people who value beautiful hair and complexion are just brainless? Ups … L

After not joining any fitness and aerobics center for about four years, two days ago I reregistered myself to the fitness center I used to be the member in 2000-2002. Some reasons why I do it again; first, in my age approaching forty years, I believe that I really have to take care of my health more seriously than before. No doctor doesn’t suggest to do exercise to maintain health, do you agree? Second, of course I want to slim down my body again after my weight rose till more than 6 kilograms since I left this fitness center around four years ago. Well, it is not really scary number, is it? Only six kilograms. However, coz I am not really tall, that number shows a very significance impact on my body. Besides, the fat all over my body really made me feel uncomfortable to move, and of course also to look. LOL. I cannot wear my old clothes either. My jeans number 27 are idle now, inside the wardrobe. J I must admit that my busy schedule for studying in my Master’s Degree really made me not able to maintain my “healthy habit” to do exercise crazily. I am not an athlete but during those two years, 2000-2002 I could do aerobics or swim or fitness seven times a week. With a lot of assignments to read books, to make papers, to prepare some presentations I really couldn’t spare time to go swimming regularly. Moreover, I still had classes to teach, to augment my income, to make my ends meet, frankly speaking.

Well, here I am, a member of fitness center again. I must say that I always feel reborn with my study; from a conventional woman with her “old-fashioned” way of thinking to be a radical feminist, a real deconstruct. In the past (read à before getting to know feminism ideology) I never felt ridiculous to try to follow the idea standard constructed by society (that a woman must be slim, pretty, weak, ladylike, feminine, smell good, LOL, graceful, just like those women in The Stepford Wives movie to make men “fresh” to see us, LOL, to attract their attention).

On the very first day I joined the aerobics again, I asked myself whether I did it to make my body healthy or in fact, I just want to conform to the social norm that a woman is supposed to be like what I have mentioned above? Well, I must be honest to myself. LOL. I looked at the other members of the fitness center. Some are around my age, I suppose, some are older, and many others are younger than I am. I have never asked them whether they join it to slim down their body for health reason or for appearance reason, to make men attracted to see them. LOL.

Well, if I relate it to the second wave of feminist movement in the 1960s

America

, most feminists encouraged women to really “leave” their previous “place”, home—with its cooking and doing laundry activities. They encouraged women not to look feminine. To be a homemaker was a despised thing to do for feminists in this era. It means, don’t try to follow those social norms that a woman was supposed to be gentle, weak, slim, pretty, wearing dress, graceful, etc. A “modern” American woman was supposed to look like men, wearing suit with trousers, bowtie, not dealing with household chores, and worked outside home professionally. And like men too, women were not supposed to be worried about the fat around their body. They didn’t need to bother their outer appearance.

It does sound ridiculous now. A woman is supposed to have freedom to choose, right? They are free to decide whether they want to (still) look feminine, ladylike while at the same time pursue career outside. Or a woman is free to choose to stay home, taking care of children and husband, doing household chores without losing their “identity” as modern women. As known in multicultural feminism, in some ethnic groups, to be a homemaker is a luxury thing that not all women can get. For them, to be “modern” is to live idly at home while their husbands work to support their needs.

The appearance of four leading characters of serials The Sex and the City is the emergence of the modern feminists by the end of twentieth century. Different from their predecessors around four decades before, Carrie Bradshaw and her three good friends offered a new lifestyle. They are economically independent. They are hard-working women with very good career outside home. And they still look feminine.

Well, thinking about this, I became a bit relieved. LOL. Why should I care for this trivial thing? I joined the fitness center again to keep my body healthy, or merely to slim down my body to look more attractive. LOL. I will not lose my being feminist only by slimming down my body, right? LOL. Just take the positive side. If I can slim down my body, I can wear my “old” clothes that I have kept in the wardrobe for some time coz they no longer fit me.

(Oh Nana, please be more mature? LOL.)