Blog si Feminis

Is there any other more equal in betrayal than to revenge it by doing betrayal to the betrayer back?

“I trust men more than women in keeping secret. As far as I experience in my life, women have tendency to betray people, including their own good friend. They do that especially when they want to secure their own position in one case.”

A good friend of mine—a woman—said such a thing to me last night when I confided in her that a friend just betrayed me. I was a bit shocked when hearing it. How I always hate sexist opinion like this. Nevertheless, then I found the answer why she opined like that. I responded, “Well, living in this patriarchal culture, women were taught to consider other women as their competitors. For example, living in marriage-oriented society, women (especially) were indoctrinated that to be considered happy and “normal”, they must get married. In a heterosexual society, women must chase men to be their partners. It is unavoidable, then, if women consider other women as competitors. And in so doing, sometimes they cannot avoid the tendency to betray other women, for their own sake.

I was born in a very religious Muslim family where I was brought up viewing man-woman relationship is not good, only after “the right time has come.” I cannot avoid feeling uncomfortable to have guys as good friends. This made me feel more comfortable to make friend with women. It is different from my good friend who proposed that idea above. She has made friend with both boys and girls. Does it, then, make her know men’s characteristics than me?

Since I was a little, I have been taught to resign myself when having dispute, to have a quiet life. Of course I don’t have a heart to think that women—my folk—have greater tendency to do betrayal.

And I have been indoctrinated that if we never do bad things to others, we will not find who do bad things to us either. If we always do good things to others, we will get good ones too from other people. Well, perhaps it is similar to “karma” in Buddhist.

Therefore, when a good friend—who once claimed me as her soul mate, as her place to confide in coz I always understand her—betrayed me, I don’t have any idea how she could do such a nasty thing to me? I have never done bad things to her. (Or is it only my opinion, coz in fact, I have once hurt her without my awareness?)

How tired and difficult it is to repress this pain and anger, and I realize how I really want to take revenge to her, to betray her directly, and not wait for “karma” or God to do it for me.

Ah …

Adakah yang lebih impas dari pengkhianatan selain membalasnya dengan pengkhianatan pula?

“Aku lebih percaya kepada laki-laki dari pada kepada perempuan ketika aku curhat. Laki-laki lebih bisa menjaga rahasia daripada perempuan. Menurutku, perempuan selalu memiliki kecenderungan untuk berkhianat, termasuk kepada teman baiknya sendiri. Demi keselamatan dirinya sendiri.”

Itu yang dikatakan oleh seorang teman baikku, seorang perempuan, ketika aku curhat kepadanya malam minggu lalu. Aku agak shock mendengarnya. Betapa selama ini aku membenci hal-hal yang seksis begini. Namun kemudian aku menemukan jawaban mengapa dia sampai berpendapat demikian. “Well, hidup di kultur patriarki seperti ini, dimana kaum perempuan harus “survive”, kadang untuk memperebutkan seorang laki-laki, membuat perempuan mempunyai kecenderungan berkhianat seperti yang kamu katakan. Misalnya, seorang perempuan akan dianggap “normal” dan “bahagia” kalo dia menikah dan memiliki anak. Pandangan yang seperti ini membuat perempuan menganggap perempuan lain sebagai saingannya. Itu yang kemudian bisa jadi membuatnya tega mengkhianati perempuan lain, agar dia “survive”.

Aku yang dilahirkan dalam sebuah keluarga yang sangat religius, yang memandang hubungan laki-laki perempuan tabu, kecuali “kalo saatnya sudah tiba”, sejak kecil lebih memilih berteman dengan seorang perempuan. Berbeda dengan teman yang kuceritakan di atas tadi. Dia berteman dengan laki-laki sejak kecil. Sehingga dia pun bisa berpendapat seperti itu, karena dia mengenali karakter laki-laki dan perempuan?

Aku ditempa untuk selalu mengalah (demi menang?) apalagi dengan sesama perempuan, betapa tentu aku tidak tega untuk berpikiran bahwa perempuan, kaumku, memiliki kecenderungan untuk berkhianat.

Dan, aku di’indoktrinasi’ bahwa kalau kita tidak melakukan hal yang buruk kepada orang lain, kita tidak akan mengalami hal-hal yang buruk. Mungkin semacam ‘karma’ yang dikenal dalam agama Buddha.

Sehingga, ketika seorang teman yang menganggapku sebagai “belahan jiwa”nya—seorang perempuan—mengkhianati aku, aku menjadi tidak habis pikir, how could she do such a nasty thing to me?  Tak pernah aku melakukan hal yang buruk kepadanya. (Ataukah mungkin ini hanya pendapatku? Mungkin ternyata aku sudah pernah melukainya tanpa aku sadari?)

Betapa lelah menahan rasa amarah, luka, dan menyadari bahwa aku ingin membalas langsung apa yang telah dia perbuat padaku, tak perlu melalui tangan orang lain.

Ah …

Do you believe in Karma?

Well, as a Muslim, I don’t think I remember if I was taught to believe in karma. (I refer to my elementary school years where I studied in an Islamic school. I don’t remember if karma exists in Islam.) I only remember that if we do “good” to others, God will give us the luxury of heaven later. On the contrary, if we do “bad” to others, of course we will go to hell.

But, in the reality, many people believe in karma. Perhaps coz heaven and hell are still too “far” out there, people need to “see” something real. For example, when a good friend of mine cheated her hubby by having a boyfriend, she told me that she would just understand if later on her hubby also has a girlfriend. She only expected that her hubby told her the truth when it really happens. I don’t know why.

When a woman scolded me last year coz I messaged her hubby, she said, “Don’t you believe in karma? You do this to me, another woman will do this to your hubby.” Frankly speaking, I didn’t really give a damn on what she said to me coz I didn’t really mind if that happens. It is fair, isn’t it? LOL. I even thought, “If karma really exists, it will not happen to me like what she said, but it even will come to her hubby. Who can guarantee that one day she will not cheat her hubby? LOL. Naughty me, eh? LOL. But, again, who will guarantee that something will happen or something will not happen in the future?

In the beginning of January this year, I talked about this karma thing to another friend of mine. Well, FYI, she told me that she is a Buddhist though she is also a churchgoer, to respect her Christian hubby. As a Buddhist, of course she believes in karma.  I “shot” her by saying, “If you cheat your hubby by having dates with those guys, the karma is, your hubby also does the same thing, having dates with girls.” well, perhaps it was hurtful to hear such a thing, but, I am just honest to say that. “You are really cynical, Nana.” That was her comment. My response was, “I am cynical, yes, but I am telling the truth. Truth is sometimes hurtful, isn’t it?” Then, she went on saying, “But, as far as I know, karma will happen to the offspring. For example it will happen to my children?” Goodness! She even expected her children to get “punished” for what she has done?

One thing I remember very well about Islamic teaching, apart from the fact that now I have become very secular, that we will get the “fruit” for what we have done in our life, and not anybody else.

“The message” was clear, for me. I want that friend of mine to realize that if she cheats her hubby, her hubby will cheat her. But, I think she couldn’t read that message.

Well, though I don’t really believe in karma, I believe that we have to be responsible for what we have done. In the entire life of mine for more than 37 years now, I NEVER betray any good friend of mine. Not yet. LOL. So, when this Buddhist friend betrayed me, is there any other thing I expect that she will be betrayed too by someone else later on? She will get the “fruit” for what she has done to me.

Though people say that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, life is not easy either, right? It needs hard struggle to live as what we expect.

It is Saturday night and I am, again, in a cyber cafe
Well, yesterday I expected to have a leisure weekend. However, I couldnt really enjoy the leisure i expected. It is okay, though.
This early morning, after doing morning chores and taking my only teenaged daughter to school, I went to ATLANTIS swimming pool, my favorite swimming pool (I hate one thing though, its expensive entrance ticket! LOL). I plunged to the blue, clean pool around 07.30. After enjoying swimming for more than two hours, I went to the shower room around 09.45. When checking my mobile phone, ups … one message was waiting. A workmate of mine asked me to substitute her coz she didnt feel well. As a good friend (ehm…) of course I didnt refuse it coz, fortunately, i didnt have anything to do in the afternoon.
Arriving home around 11.45 (after taking a shower, I sat for about half an hour in a bench there, and writing in my "portable" diary. LOL). I felt so sleepy and tired. An old "disease" of mine after swimming, SLEEPY. LOL. So, I took a nap for about an hour.
At 13.00 i had my lunch, prepared myself to go to my workplace.
I was busy "playing" with the students until 18.00.
From my workplace, I dropped by at this cafe, to check my mailboxes, and blogs.
What will I do tomorrow? Well, doing household chores, such as washing clothes, ironing, cleaning the bedroom, and, sitting in front of my beloved computer to read some files, write diary, well, perhaps type an articles to post in my blogs, emails for my loved ones? Perhaps … Well, enjoying myself.
Or maybe going shopping to a mall with my beloved plus one, Angie.
Next Monday? Of course … welcome back work!

"Till I loved, I never lived–Enough." (Emily Dickinson)

How powerful is love in someone’s life? To make someone feel not alive yet before loving someone? Being alive is not just a matter of being born in this mortal world, taking a breath, doing some activities, bla bla bla … but one thing must be done–loving.

Well, I myself talked to my someone special that I will never ever be able to write a single poem if I am not in love. I, out of the blue, become a poet when in love.

My curiosity, is, is there any love that will not make us broken hearted?

Wise people say that there must be two contradictory things in something, to follow natural law about binary opposition? Love makes people happy in one certain time, and unhappy in another time. Love gives people sweet memories when they spend their precious time with the one they love, and bitter memories when they have to be away from the loved one.

When Ebit G. Ade said in his song, "Apakah ada bedanya, ketika kita bertemu, dengan saat kita berpisah, sama-sama nikmat, tinggal bagaimana kita menghayati…" No unhappiness … no bitterness … though we are away from the one we love. Or we just deceive ourselves by saying, "It’s ok to be away from you, darling, coz I already have you on my mind, in my heart and my soul." Who is willing to be away from the one they love, I am wondering …

I assume that I must agree that love is so powerful in someone’s life.

But, to agree with what Emily Dickinson said … well … … …

I got the following 25 questions from some blogs of friends of mine at www.blog.co.uk

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I don’t remember if I had enough time to think of something when looking at the mirror this morning before leaving for the office. I had to come early to my workplace, to proctor a test at 8am. It means I had to do morning household chores in a rush. It made me not have much time to think anything when looking at the mirror to put on some makeup. J

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Rp. 45.000,00

3. What’s a word that rhymes with "TEST"
Best

4. Favorite planet?
I don’t think I have any favorite planet.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile?
My one and only daughter.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
None (yet). Since this is a new cell phone, I still need more time to recognize the rings.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

As usual, when going to my workplace, I wear my long black dress and black blazer.

8. Do you label yourself?
A radical feminist who is straight and romantic

9. Name the brand of your shoes you’re currently wearing.
Eagle

10. Bright or Dark Room?
It depends. When I am with the one I love, I’d love the dark one, when I am in a good mood to write or read, of course I need the bright one.

11. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping, of course.

12. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
A friend asked me what time I would go online to have a chat with him.

13. Where is your nearest 7-11?
I am not quite sure what it means.

14. What’s a saying that you say a lot?
Express yourself openly.

15.Who told you they loved you last?
A male friend.

16. Last furry thing you touched?
I don’t think I remember when the last time I touched such a thing.

17. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
None.

18. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
No need any rolls of film. I just use the digital camera in my cell phone.

19. Favorite age you have been so far?
Recently in the middle of thirties, when I ‘switched’ from a conventional person to be a feminist, a real deconstruct

20. Your enemy?
Myself, when I think I cannot handle my own feeling

21. What is your current desktop picture?
A very cute cat

22. What was the last thing you said to someone?
”Thanks for the suggestion, sir!” when a workmate of mine suggested me to buy a certain cable to transfer data to and from my cell phone.

23. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
A million bucks, that’s for sure, to make me fly to my dream city, Modesto, to meet an online boyfriend I used to have in 1999-2001, to find out whether he is still alive, to make our past dream come true

24. Do you like someone?
Absolutely, the only hunk in my life at the present time, my inspiration, my catharsis

25. The last song you listened to?

“Hello” by Lionel Richie

When discussing kinds of jobs with my students some days ago, a question reminded me that bias gender is still very strong in the mind of youngsters of Indonesia, in this twenty first century, while in Princess Diary written by Meg Cabot, or Bluejean, a book full of articles written by female teenagers from other countries, I found out that feminism ideology (read à equality between men and women in all facets of life) is very familiar to teenagers in other countries, especially in America.

The question is “Which job is done better by men than women, and vice versa?”

My students’ answer was unfortunately still following the stereotyping of male and female. For example, my students came up with an idea that men will make a better chef than women. Their reasons varied, from “men are stronger than women so that it is okay for them to carry big pans.”, “men are more creative than women. As a chef, he/she must be creative to decorate food before serving it to the guests/diners.” “No female chef is famous, mostly men.”

In another side, women will be better nurses coz women are more patient to take care of patients rather than men; women will be better fight attendant than men with the same reason; women will be better secretaries to “comfort” and “amuse” the boss, with the assumption that the boss here is a man.

My being feminist really encouraged me to talk a lot about that unfair stereotyping. How much I wanted to lecture my students that those stereotyping things were just constructed by society, and not created by God. I didn’t have much time though to do that. I realize that I don’t have much time coz I have to catch up with the material provided, many lessons to cover, to follow the curriculum made by my workplace while I must not forget that my role is not to teach feminism but only to teach English as a foreign language.

How much I detested to see my female students’ facial expression when hearing the boys said, “Men are created to be superior, Ma’am.” Or “Men are created to be stronger than women.” When I asked my male students, “What is the definition of being strong here? Being able to Lift big pans? How about if we change the definition of ‘strong’? Why did God decide to create women to be pregnant and deliver the baby and everybody must know that it needs a lot of energy to do that? Why not men who claim themselves as stronger?”

When saying that, I saw my male students’ expression annoyed while my female students excited. I went on saying, “Have you ever heard that there are more women than men in this world? Do you know that it happens coz women are stronger to survive in this harsh world rather than men?”

When my students said that men make a better pilot rather than women, they gave reason, “If women become pilot, they will go often, to fly planes. They will not be a good mother, then, coz they often leave their family.” It made me argue, “Well, if men become pilot, they will go often too, to leave their family. It means that they will not be a good father, right, coz leaving the family, and don’t spend much time with the children?”

My students, especially the male ones, got numb, looked at me as if looking at a weird creature, while the female ones smiled wildly, and some nodded their head.

Again, coz I didn’t have much time to elaborate more about this gender topic, I didn’t talk a lot. If I went on saying, I am afraid that my students wouldn’t have enough time to practice their speaking or writing English. I would be the sole speaker. Who the hell needs to practice, the students or the teacher? LOL.

22.51 17022006

This afternoon I discussed "the most coveted job" and "the least coveted job" with my Intermediate 3 students who happen to be high school students, first and second grade. The most coveted job is still like the previous century; doctor. Engineer is not longer a favorite choice then.

Well, in the beginning of 1990s, in Indonesia there was a famous singer Ria Enes that made use of her doll named Susan. In one of her songs, Susan wanted to be either a doctor or an engineer, two most coveted profession in Indonesia. The main reason is of course coz these two professions promise to give the bearer much money. Since the beginning of 1993, the title "Insinyur" (the Indonesian word for ‘engineer’ was changed into "Sarjana Teknik". There was a joke, then, that Susan no longer wanted to be an engineer coz no more "insinyur". LOL.

Now going back to my high school students. None of them came up with ‘engineer’ as their career choice. Is that joke true? The title "Sarjana Teknik" doesnt sound cool. LOL. So, doctor now is the only favorite profession among children and teenagers.

I got shocked, though, when I found out that some students mentioned "writer" as the least wanted profession. I simply asked them, "Coz you dont have talent to be a writer?" The said yes. My comment was, "I dont think it very difficult to write. Try to do this. Later after you go home, start writing like this, "This afternoon, my classmates and I discussed the most and the least favorite profession in Indonesia. When I said that I didnt want to be a writer, Ms. Nana was shocked. bla bla bla …"

I dont think that it is about money why some students of mine didnt want to be a writer. With the thriving business in publishing books–we can see the proof with more and more teen lit and chick lit novels. let’s say, or with more publishing companies were established in Indonesia, or we can also see many young writers become celebrities (e.g. Djenar Maesa Ayu, Ayu Utami), to be a writer also promises people to get much money and fame.

Well, I think that in Indonesia, not many people find writing an interesting thing to do. In my experience as an English teacher, my students prefer having "speaking" class, to "writing" class. And during last century, 20th century, many publishing companies, or newspapers or magazine editors, didnt really appreciate new and young writers, so that they didnt consider their works good enough to be published. It could also become one reason why then people didnt find writer as an interesting job.

I have loved writing diary since I was in junior high school. Writing can really help to express ourselves, especially when we think that speaking is no longer enough. With the internet technology, and its blog world, people can express themselves more and more. Everybody needs to do that, right?

"mengapakah kebahagiaan selalu dinilai dari kacamata orang lain?

mengapakah orang lain yang selalu membakukan ukuran?"

(Lelaki Terindah hal. 198)

I keep reminding myself about my own definition of being happy in my life, but still sometimes I am still bothered with what society will say …

No matter how much I want to be a nonconformist … I still have to remind myself about what Andre Aksana said above.

"It is okay Nana to define what happiness is for yourself. Why bother other people?"