Blog si Feminis

Some days ago, I went online and had a chat with a well-educated Jakarta twenty-nine-year-old guy who is already married. When I told him that I am a feminist and right now I am shaping my teenaged daughter to be a feminist too, he commented, “Men don’t like feminists.”

“Well, I know many men consider feminists as enemies.”

“Not really as enemies, though.”

“Yeah … maybe that’s too much. The word “threat” may be more suitable. But I believe broad-minded, open-minded, independent, intelligent, and confident men will not think that way. They will not consider feminists as threat.”

Jokingly, I added, “Well, if all women in the world become radical feminists—many radical feminists are lesbians—those men will be jobless.” LOL.

That’s why straight men don’t like feminists. Their existence as superior creature over women is threatened. They will no longer be needed.

That short chat reminded me of a movie entitled The Stepford Wives where men feel threatened by their wives who are more intelligent, more successful, more powerful. So, to “make” their wives submissive and domestic, they put a certain chip in their wives’ brain, and voila … those women become robots, very submissive to their husbands, do what women “are supposed to do”, e.g. taking care of husband and children, serving their husbands in bed anytime they are wanted, taking care of their appearance (slim, pretty, tidy), behavior (dependent, weak, sensual, emotional, illogical) and do all household chores flawlessly. By the end of the movie, Walter Eberhart shows his confidence by rebelling that women-created-to-be-robot “tradition” in Stepford. He believes that communicating with his successful wife is a better choice to make their marriage work well and live together happily rather than making his wife—Joanna Eberhart—become a “robot”.

Men who are indoctrinated to be superior, more powerful, more successful, more intelligent than women will be inferior to find out the fact that they are even the weaker, less successful and less intelligent than women. In the past, before women went to school to get knowledge, they accepted their “destiny” as the second sex for granted. Men enjoyed their “golden” years as the superior. When women got their right to get knowledge and then actualize themselves in public sphere, inferior men found it as a threat. To silence those intelligent, creative, and active women, men are supposed to work harder, they are supposed to be happier because their life partner are more reliable. They are supposed to feel challenged to show their guts.

Read the following two stanzas of Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s poem entitled “Reassurance”:

Can you imagine nothing better, brother,

Than that which you have always had before?

Have you been so content with “wife and mother,”

       You dare hope nothing more?

…

Peace then! Fear not the coming woman, brother.

Owning herself, she giveth all the more.

She shall be better woman, wife, and mother,

       Than man hath known before.

When feminists just want to reduce men’s burden, why should men even consider feminists as enemies? Why should they feel threatened and frightened? Why should they want to go on the status quo? It shows their inferiority, doesn’t it? It even shows they are the weaker sex, right?

That’s why as I mentioned above, broad-minded, open-minded, confident, and intelligent men will not feel inferior in front of feminists (read à women who are aware that they have exactly equal right with men in all facets in life, women who realize that they are as good as men in public sphere, and consequently, men are also as good as women in domestic sphere). Equal relationship is much better than superior-submissive relationship, isn’t it?

“Monalisa Smile” is one favorite movie of mine. Well, related to my being feminist, it is easy to guess why I love this movie. It is coz this movie talks about women’s lives.

The setting time of this movie is 1953-1954 America. From Betty Friedan’s book entitled The Feminine Mystique, I know in that decade, American women believed that they were the happiest women in the world. The Cult of True Womanhood norm emerging in the middle of the nineteenth century America must have still lingered till the middle of the twentieth century America. People believe that women were created to be housewives. As one of advanced countries in the world, to be housewives in America was the most coveted things coz they were provided with many luxurious things by their rich husband; e.g. house completed with modern appliances (e.g. refrigerator, microwave, washing machine, etc), car. In other countries, women as housewives couldn’t get those yet.

Katherine Watson, the main character of this movie apparently didn’t agree with this principle; that women were created to be housewives. She believed that women, as men, were also born to be future leaders. Women’s destiny to be housewives was not gifted by God, it was constructed by society instead. Watson believed that women also had another choice—to pursue their career outside of home. American women were as intelligent as American men. This was one thing Watson brought with her when she came to Wellesley University, her new workplace—to encourage her female students that to be housewife was not the only ultimate goal for women in this world.

This movie clearly illustrated how those girls continued their study to college not to satisfy their hunger for knowledge, and then later on applied it in their professional life (work), although at the beginning of the movie, one character named Joan Brandwyn stated, “I am every woman going to college to awaken my spirit through hard work and dedicate my life to knowledge.” In the following story, it depicted how Joan, Betty, and the other girls at Wellesley University still believed that to get married and to be a housewife were the only choice to make them happy. They went to college to look for a “better” guy to marry, to spend time while waiting for Mr. Right came to them. Consequently, to live single is a disaster coz they would feel that they were unwanted, unloved.

It is not easy to make difference. It is not easy to change people’s way of thinking that has been shaped for ages. Watson’s struggle to really awaken her female students that they also could lead a professional life outside home was not clearly described as successful by the end of the movie. However, she succeeded in introducing a new principle of life to her students, living single was not like living in hell coz of feeling unwanted and unloved. Many other things people (read à women) could do to make their lives useful and beneficial for other people. Living in a marriage can also mean hellish life when your spouse doesn’t marry you for love, just like the example of Betty Warren in the movie.

According to history, we know that struggle of women like Katherine Watson resulted in the second wave of feminism in America in the beginning of 1960s. Many other women in later years continue their struggle to realize equality between men and women in all facets in life.

And I am proud to say that I am in their path. J

Marriage is an institution that robs a woman of her individuality and reduces her to the level of a prostitute (Dennison, 1914) Via Ussher’s Women’s Madness: Mysogyny or Mental Illness? , 1993:262

Some time ago, I got a message, a joke, from a friend,

Wife: “Give me some money, my darling. I want to buy something special to beautify myself, to make you happy.”

Husband: “I will give you some money, my dereast wife. But, dont forget to give me the best in bed.”

Look, doesn’t that joke strengthen that quoation above about the analogy between a housewife and a prostitute? A housewife “serves” her husband the best she can to survive (e.g. to get food, clothes, and shelter). A prostitute does exactly the same thing to her clients. In addition, when a woman is lucky to get a rich and generous husband, she will be ‘paid’ high. On the contrary, when a woman is not lucky to get such a husband, she still has to do her “obligation”—to serve her husband at home—bed, kitchen, and laundry—and in return, maybe she will just get “less than enough”. And in patriarchal culture where a wife is considered as the husband’s “property”, she no longer belongs to herself, she has to be submissive—to follow whatever the husband says, pure—only to pour her sexual desire to her husband, no matter whether the husband respects her rights as a free individual or not, domestic—only stay at home, go out only under her husband’s permission. No matter how little money she gets from her husband in return of her “service”, Many women still choose to be married coz they are more frightened by society’s judgment as “old spinster”. Besides they are also lullabied and lured by fairy tales such as Cinderella, as if marriage is the only gate to ultimate happiness in this life. After they get married and find the fact that is far from what they dream and expect before, they are besieged by people around them, “You are a woman, you are created as submissive creature, as “the second sex” So, accept it!” and for “religious” people, with addition, “You will go the heaven if you submit yourself to your husband. If not, you’ll go to hell.”

However, prostitutes dont get this discomfort. Their body and life still belong to them. They still have right to say “no” to a client coming to them when they dont feel comfortable to do that. They can charge high fees. More benefit, is, they can “enjoy” different “sizes”, different treatment, different atmosphere, different sensation  so that they will not get bored easily. LOL. Well, i just imagine that different men have different sizes, give different treatment, sensation, and atmosphere. LOL.

Ciao.

Nana sedang capek … capek badan, capek pikiran, capek nata hati and juga lagi asik masyuk di blog yang lain Dasar tidak setia sama friendster blog nih, hahaha … so, perlu berpindah ke lain hati

Just view my blog at http://afemaleguest.blog.co.uk/

Don’t forget to leave a comment.

Ciao.

Friends,

Do you believe that second puberty exists? What the hell is second puberty actually?

About ten years ago, I had a private student, a woman, around mid thirties, a housewife whose husband was always busy with his business and she had a babysitter to take care of her children, and housemaids to take care of her household chores. She took English private lesson with me perhaps only to fill her abundant idle time.

At that time, she asked me whether I believed in second puberty. I didn’t know what it was exactly. Then she said to me, "Nana, I think it happens to people after they come to the age of mid thirties for women, and forties for men. I believe in it coz now I am experiencing it. …" Then she told me about a good-looking man around her neighborhood that she said was attracted to her. She concluded it from the way that guy looked at her, smiled at her. Again she said, "It’s not about love, Nana. It’s not about sex, either. Well … just attraction. He really makes me feel happy every time we meet. Well, I don’t date him, we just happen to meet coz he lives in the same neighborhood with me. Later, after you come to my age, you will undergo it yourself. I believe."

I made a conclusion at that time (with my naivete) that second puberty means that someone is attracted to another person apart from his/her spouse. Or, probably, the routine boredom comes to the couple, and they need a change. Or, did it happen to that private student of mine coz she didn’t get enough attention and love and care from her busy businessman husband? So that she needed to get it from another guy?

Unfortunately, that lady didn’t take a long time to take private English class with me so that I didn’t know what happened after that with her and the guy she had a crush on.

In August 2005, I got another private student. She is in the beginning of her forties, a housewife too, whose husband is very rich so that I believe she never experiences how it feels when the price of gasoline soars crazily. Similar with my private student 10 years ago, she has some housemaids and babysitters that take care of her household chores and children so that she doesn’t need to make herself busy at home. In addition, she is outstandingly pretty so that I believe she has many admirers for her physical beauty.

With this private student of mine, I spent some time to go sightseeing in malls, to have lunches at food court, go to cafes, etc. I observed that she loved wearing sexy clothes when she went with me (she said I made her feel comfortable to wear anything, though I didn’t see any relationship with me, how could going around with me make her feel comfortable to wear sexy clothes? I myself mostly wear my ‘uniform’, long black dress and black blazer, not ‘inviting’ at all!) She also felt comfortable to show inviting body language to any ‘macho’ and good-looking guy we met in malls. (I was wondering how she made me feel as a ’scapegoat’? I am the one who made her feel comfortable to do those two conspicous things–wearing sexy clothes and showing inviting body language.)

It made me suspicious if this pretty lady was ’suffering from’ second puberty. She no longer feels confident with herself whether she is still pretty and attractive enough so that she needs to attract those guys’ attention demonstratively. One time, while we were having lunch in one food court in Semarang, she said to me, "Nana … I really enjoy looking at people around us." Coolly I asked, "And, after ‘observing’ those people around, what is your conclusion?" Proudly she said, "One similar thing, I always find that they are so amazed to see me; to see a pretty lady, ME." Her facial expression looked so childish at that time.

It made me draw a different conclusion about second puberty than my definition 10 years ago. Second puberty is a kind of  ‘mental illness’ that happens to someone who no longer feels confident that he/she is still attractive. To compensate that inferiority, he/she needs to attract people’s attention demonstratively. It is not merely about having a crush on somebody else who is not someone’s spouse.

When does second puberty come to someone’s life? Mid thirties? Early forties? Mid forties? Does it always come to anybody’s life? Or does it happen only to people who don’t get enough attention, love, and care from their spouse? Do people always need it for a ‘change’ to overcome boredom in their routine life?

This pretty private student of mine sometimes teased me, "Wait till you come to your forty years of age, Nana, and you will undergo ’second puberty’ like me." Well, I think as a teacher, I already get a lot of attention from my students, both boys and girls. Sometimes some naughty male students of mine flirt me and, well, I don’t mind with it, as long as they don’t abuse me. I don’t think I will need passers-by’s attention to me when I go somewhere. I even often feel abused when I go somewhere and some greedy guys look at me impolitely. I don’t enjoy their staring at me, different from that private student of mine who even feels adored. Frankly, when walking with her, or when I walk alone, I sometimes want to throw my high-heeled shoes to those guys with greedy eyes.

I am approaching my forty years of age now. Referring to what my private student said 10 years ago that people undergo second puberty in their mid thirties, well, it is high time for me to experience it, isn’t it? LOL. But, no, I don’t agree with my (present) private student of mine, that we will feel adored and admired when guys look at us whenever we go. I even feel disturbed with that. Only in the classroom I want full attention from my students, but not outside.

However, as a feminist who thinks that we, women, have freedom to do anything we want, apart from the fact that we are married or not, that we are having relationship with someone or not. That (present) private student of mine absolutely has right to do so, to attract guys’ attention. LOL. Only she can control herself, her life, not her hubby, her children, moreover society.

Comment, please?

Orgasm

Dear friends,

Two weeks ago, I lent the novel NAYLA to my workmate. I consider her as someone who enjoys her sex life with her husband. Well, I conclude it from our chat, of course.

Some days ago, she returned the book to me. Her comment, “Well, the story is not really interesting, just an ordinary story. But, I must say that Djenar’s idea about sexuality is very interesting.” and then, she asked herself, but I heard it, “I am questioning myself if I really ever get orgasm in my life after reading that.”

It reminds me of my chat with another workmate of mine. Some weeks ago, I had a chat with her about having sex. She lost her desire to do it after she delivered her first baby. However, she doesn’t reject her husband when he starts to seduce her, to arouse her. in the end, she also enjoys the sex. She told me she and her husband have their own way when she has period. I asked her how to do it. She said that her husband rubs his penis to her breasts. I asked her, “Do you enjoy that? Can it make you cum?” she said yes. I didn’t believe in her, at that time, how could a woman cum without her clitoris. It’s similar to how could a man cum without his penis. Just like in the books I have read, also based on my own experience, a woman needs her clitoris to get orgasm, just like a man needs his penis to cum.

When that workmate who borrowed NAYLA from me questioned herself whether she has ever got orgasm in her life, I remembered this other workmate. I start to feel suspicious if in fact, this friend never gets orgasm in her sex life. She doesn’t know yet what orgasm is like.

A few hours ago my workmate who happens to be my classmate, visited me. I asked her about this orgasm thing. She got married last February 2005. She strengthened the opinion that a woman needs clitoris to get orgasm. The stimulation in her nipples arouses her very well, but to lead to cum. she needs to end it with the stimulation in her clitoris.

I am talking about sex, orgasm, penis, clitoris, nipples but I don’t think if reading these above paragraphs arouses you. Or does it?

Ciao,

Nana

A week ago, I met a good friend after we didn’t have time to talk together for almost a year. She told me very good news: she got Fullbright scholarship to take Master’s Degree to America. That’s quite an achievement! She will go to America next August 2006. I am happy for her, of course.

Some days after that, I told a workmate of mine about that happy news. Instead of hearing his happy remark, he commented, “Doesn’t she think of having a baby first rather than to pursue her study? She has got her Master’s Degree from Diponegoro University, hasn’t she?”

I was speechless to hear that comment. This male workmate got married in /August 2005, and about two weeks ago his wife just got miscarriage. My good friend has got married for more than six years, and until now she hasn’t got a baby yet. (Nature’s secret why some women easily get pregnant while some others do not. Who is to blame?)

I remember this good friend of mine was always restless to wait for the coming of a baby in her marriage. She always feels uncomfortable to attend her big family’s gathering coz she is always unhappy when her relatives ask about that. An axiom saying “you are a true woman only after you deliver a baby” has been haunting her. Her understanding husband doesn’t really help comfort her restlessness.

Last year she sent me messages saying that she would apply for a Fullbright scholarship. She said, “I want to show people that I have ‘something’ to be proud of though I don’t have a baby (yet).” My comment was, “Good, dear, go for it!”

Now that she has got it, in fact, she finds some (conventional) people besiege her with questions, such as, “Don’t you think that having a baby is more important than pursuing your study coz you are a woman?” or “Don’t you think that in fact your husband is not really willing to let you go coz he wants to have a baby from you? And not Master’s Degree from you? Who knows he said that it is okay for you to go to America only for his lips service and not coming from his heart?” or “Are you sure that your husband is willing to see that you give more priority to your career than to give him a baby?”

In our country, people still stick to three things that they think will make their life ‘complete’ and ‘happy’: having a job, being married, and having a baby. This is so strongly stuck on everybody’s mind that it really bothers their conscience if they don’t have these three things. In my good friend’s case, her having a good career and understanding husband do not really make her feel happy. She was continuously worried. It was difficult for her to think that “it is okay to live without a baby. People will still be happy not to have one of those three things. Why should they care much about other people’s comment? And why do some of us nosily talk about other people? Why don’t we just feel happy for other people?

My good friend needed to comfort herself not to have a baby yet by getting an academic achievement. How about other people? Especially those who cannot comfort themselves and keep thinking of what society says about them (for example not married yet or not having a baby yet).

Feeling happy and ‘complete’ in our lives must be determined by ourselves. And be confident with that.

A good friend just said to me, "I don’t think there is an absolute right in this life."

I was surprised to hear that wise opinion. After some time, I commented, "Yup. I agree with you. From the books I have read, articles I have read, I come to the conclusion that it all started from our interpretation of some things. When we come to one interpretation, we cannot avoid using what is stored in our brain, mind, what has been taught to us, what has been ‘indoctrinated’ to us, and all things we have undergone and experienced in our life."

One example. Our society believes that heterosexuality is the only normal sexuality. Since we were a kid, our parents, teachers, neighbors have given us examples and ‘doctrin’ that the normal sexuality is heterosexuality. Media strengthens this incessantly. We believe in it. We agree with it. And we then want to be considered as normal people, so we grow up as a hetero. And we easily judge other people who are homosexual abnormal, sinful coz they are against destiny.

Now, try to imagine if we live in society where the people believe that homosexuality is the only normal sexuality. We are ‘taught’, ‘indoctrinated’ that homosexuality is the only accepted and gifted sexuality. We will easily consider people whose sexual orientation is heterosexual as abnormal people.

Live your own life with your own principle. Make sure that you live comfortably, without feeling frightened that your principle is wrong. And be confident with it. One more important thing, though, don’t harm other people. They deserve exactly the same comfort, happiness, and freedom as you do.

P.S: My own advice for myself.

I am a LEO. I am very proud to say that. A lion/lionese is graceful, charismatic, arrogant, respectful coz he/she is the king/queen of the forest.

I am a lionese. I am graceful, charismatic, absolutely arrogant, and respectful.

However, as the king/queen of the forest, a lion/lionese doesn’t attack other animals. Make sure, though, when a lion/lionese is disturbed, hurt, he/she will inevitably hurt and attack back, more fiercely.

That’s exactly what I do. It’s not easy for people to hurt me coz of my easy going, humorous, patient, cheerful, and friendly nature. Nevertheless, When I find someone hurt me, I will attack him/her back much more fiercely.

Some months ago, a male workmate of mine said, related to the issue of poligamy, "I am wondering why women object to their husband’s having the second, third, or fourth wives. Don’t they realize that we, men, want to reduce their burden? To do household chores, to take care of children, and absolutely, to serve us, men, as their husbands. Isn’t poligamy a good policy to help women?"

I commented coolly, "Sir, we, women, also want to help your burden to earn money to support the household. There is the most practical way to do it. Let us find another husband. By having two breadwinners in the family, it will really reduce your burden, right? You don’t need to work hard only to buy us a big house, a luxurious car, furniture, bla bla bla …"

My female workmates appaluded me. LOL. That particular male workmate, who proposed the idea to ‘reduce burden’ just smiled annoyedly. LOL. The other male workmates didn’t give any comment.

Some time later, a male workmate said, "Are you sure that you are ’strong’ enough to serve your husbands in bed?

I responded, "Have you ever heard ‘obat kuat’ for women? Not yer, right? It is always for men. Why? Because, we women, are strong enough…" LOL.

So, guys, don’t be selfish to create any reason to propose poligamy. We all know, in this 21st century, men do poligamy only to celebrate their libido, very different from the time when Prophet Muhammad lived. Okay?

Peace.